078 [SOLO] Navigating Grief, Cancer, & Finding Compassion in Difficult Times

Hi everyone, welcome back to the show. Today’s episode is a season wrap-up and life update. It isn’t something I had been expecting to share, but it’s a profoundly significant update and season of life for me. My initial plans were to share a bit about my recent reiki training in Ojai, a bit about my trip to Spirit Weavers in June, and chat about some business items that have come up along with my Zen practice but life has a funny way of redirecting things. My mom was diagnosed with cancer and frankly, a lot has changed in the last two weeks. 

This experience has been painful and also in the strangest ways, openhearted and beautiful. I would never have wished for this experience, but I accept it and have found something to be grateful for throughout it. I deeply credit my Zen and mindfulness practice for this open-hearted perspective. 

Sending out love to those who need it - and thanking every one of you for tuning into this season of the other way. Join us in the fall for more conversations about paths less traveled, spirituality, wellness, women’s health, and more. 

XX

-Kasia

Chapters

• 0:01 Navigating Grief and Uncertainty During Illness
• 15:03 Healing and Compassion in Unexpected Times

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

Hello and welcome to the Other Way, a lifestyle podcast exploring uncommon, unconventional or otherwise alternative approaches to life, business and health. I'm your host, kasia. I'm the founder of InFlow, a women's wellness brand that designs intentional products to help women reconnect to their unique cyclical rhythm and find a balance between being and doing. This podcast is an extension of my mission within Flow. Here we provide intentional interviews with inspiring humans, trailblazers, researchers, spiritual teachers and more on the journey of doing things the other way. Now, today's guest is no exception. Hi everyone, and welcome back to the Other Way. I'm your host, kasia, and I have a very heartfelt episode for you all today. If you are noticing that my audio feels off or sounds off, thank you so much for bearing with me. I'm actually recording this from New York City for reasons that I will get into in the rest of this episode, but just know that we're doing our best. I hope it's tolerable. We'll see when I re-listen to this. But yeah, I wanted to wrap up the podcast season, but some things have definitely come up that have shifted what I thought this episode will look like, what I'm going to cover today, but also physically have shifted me to New York and I'm going to get into all of that today. So initially, when I was planning this episode, I had planned to share a bit about my Reiki training with Laura Elliott in Ojai, my beautiful experience and reflections during my time at Spirit Weavers in Oregon, which is a women's gathering in Oregon, and I just wanted to take some time to just wrap up this beautiful spring and summer season on the other way. But, honestly, today's episode is definitely a shift from that. I will touch on some of those things, but I have committed to and want to maintain being extremely honest with all of you, all of this incredible community of which I feel so grateful to be a part of, about what is really happening in my life. And so today's episode is going to be a deep dive into navigating times of great grief, uncertainty and the experience of life being totally upended, like truly the experience of life being flipped upside down, plans being disrupted, but more than that, just like a reshuffling of what feels like everything in my life. I want to preface this with a trigger warning I'm going to be talking about cancer, navigating a very raw experience of grief, coming face to face with those experiences, the experience of having your entire life like upended, and I will share that this episode is probably not for everyone.

Speaker 1: 3:31

But if you're looking to get a feel for what's been present for me, if you enjoy kind of hearing those types of updates and if you are actually perhaps going through something yourself and if you're looking for support as you navigate difficult times of any kind, this episode is for you and my heart goes out to you because, as I've been navigating these challenging times in my own life, one of the things that I have found to be so deeply supportive is actually connecting with others and really leaning into the human experience of suffering as a whole. My Zen practice has been really helpful in starting to feel compassion, not just for myself, for my family, for my mother, who I will get into her story in a second but also for all the other people out there who are experiencing suffering of any kind, but especially the suffering that comes with grief and potential loss, and loss of what was. In a way, this episode is also for you if you're curious about mindfulness during difficult times and if you are a woman who wants to explore and talk about some topics that dive a bit below the superficial, such as sisterhood, the fragility of our bodies, impermanence, and even a bit about how, in the most dark and painful times, there's beauty and how to find it, and I'm going through it right now. But that has been like this glimmering light for me and I really think it would be powerful to share. And all of this is just my own real reflection from the last few weeks. So take it or leave it. I'm not prescribing anything. I'm not saying this is the way it is, but this has been just a reflection of what's been coming up.

Speaker 1: 5:27

So about two weeks ago my mom was diagnosed with stage four cancer. It has been a shock, to say the least. My mom has always been pretty healthy, working out, eating well, and about two months ago she started complaining about some pain in her clavicle in her sternum area. We all assumed, as did doctors at the time, that this was related to a new workout routine. She was more active, practicing Pilates, trying to build up bone strength, but over time this pain had become much worse and upon really pushing for an MRI, she got one. Also, side note, I cannot emphasize how important it is to be an advocate for your own health, because I don't even know if my mom would know what she knows now if she hadn't been. But she pushed for an MRI, she got one and upon getting the results we realized, and she realized that she had a large tumor on her sternum, on her chest, and fast forward, two weeks later it was verified that she has cancer Stage four, primary unknown.

Speaker 1: 6:42

My world stopped then and now I felt, and still feel, shock, grief, fear, confusion, anger, anxiety, all of these emotions mixed in with memories. I was projecting and still project into the future. I remember the past and I have this feeling as though every conversation that I ever had with my mom, every memory I ever had, every moment I ever had, it felt in that very moment. I felt the impermanence of all those moments, all those memories, of all those moments, all those memories. You never, or at least I rarely, think that this, this moment, could be the last time. Even me recording this episode, this could be the last time I ever do it. I mean, I certainly hope not. I have intentions for it not to be, but it's just so wild when that presence comes over that moment of impermanence comes over, when you, or, in this case, when I recognize how fleeting all of this could be, how fleeting it is, as I worried about, and still worry about, her future and what this diagnosis means.

Speaker 1: 8:15

On a personal, professional level, this has been an immediate reshuffling of my life. All the worries I had yesterday fears over my future, my business imposter syndrome, anxiety about my lack of time or frustration about something not working out suddenly none of that mattered because my mom, one of the most important figures in my life, her life is now clearly and immediately at risk and the outcome is so deeply unknown and immediately at risk and the outcome is so deeply unknown. These past two weeks have been emotionally draining, anxiety-inducing and have brought to light priorities as time feels so incredibly scarce Time with my mom, but also the feeling of racing against time as we work to treat her. This experience has tested my relationships with my family members as we lean on each other, and it's also brought out some of the best and worst patterns. It's also brought out some of the best and worst patterns.

Speaker 1: 9:34

It's funny because after I record this episode, I have a therapy session and I just reflect on how much time I've spent trying to undo and rewire my tendencies my tendency towards panic and overwhelm, or the way my emotions overwhelm me, despite my meditation practice. All these tendencies suddenly just came back to the forefront and there's almost something strangely cathartic or therapeutic about reliving these tendencies, these family dynamics. But in the presence of such an acutely different experience if that makes sense Like I think about my dad's tendency to get overwhelmed and to like drop balls, like he has a tendency to get overwhelmed sometimes and try to do too many things and then he's not focusing drops balls, and maybe this is a coping mechanism. I don't know, I'm not a therapist, but I then witnessed my own tendency to panic and try to pick them up, while also freaking out. And it's just so full circle to be re-experiencing these patterns from my childhood, but like in this different capacity and with this really different perspective.

Speaker 1: 10:43

Perspective because suddenly the things that, yes, still feel frustrating or that trigger me with my family, they're seen through this different light, because it's through the perspective of oh my gosh, is this the last moment with my family like this? Is this the last moment with my mom like this? And what really matters, and there's like this strange gift in all of that of like re-experiencing these experiences. And so for those of you out there who perhaps, maybe this won't be everyone's experience, but it certainly has been mine. I feel like I had this desire to work through all that internal family drama. But it all comes out, but I feel like it all seems to be processed differently now that we're reliving it, all those tendencies and triggers. We're reliving them in the context of this like very serious situation.

Speaker 1: 11:51

Like very serious situation, and that's actually what I wanted to shift to about how this situation has brought so much suffering and fear and pain and grief, but also surprisingly and the most shocking thing that this has brought up, just as I talk about the perspective shift that I'm witnessing in family dynamics same dynamics, different perspective I'm experiencing that same shift in perspective with this painful, painful moment, because I can see glimmers of beauty in this extremely difficult time. And what I mean by that is that, even in the midst of this painful, painful experience, this scary experience, I also, if I'm really being honest with myself, am surprisingly finding some of the most positive experiences of my life. I know that might be a shock to share, considering that you know I'm kind of talking about what is a very difficult circumstance and considering that I spent the past two weeks kind of lingering between panic attacks, bouts of crying, struggling with sleep just like grief, grief, grief, pain, waves of emotion, anxiety, you know, frustration, anger triggers all this stuff that I just talked about. But I feel this shift in perspective that it just shocks me to experience. And what I mean is this there was a moment somewhere in my meditation practice or maybe it was when I was consoling my brother, one or the other where I realized that in the midst of this pain, there is also so much love that we are feeling this pain, this suffering, because we love my mom so much. And like, how lucky are we to love and to be loved so deeply by our mother, or so deeply love and be loved by, in my father's case, his wife, to have these emotions, to have these reactions, to fight for her life like this, to grieve over what we maybe have lost, what has changed and what might be lost. How lucky are we and how grateful can we be for this painful scenario that we never would have wished for? I just want to be clear like, this is the worst case scenario right now that is happening for me. I feel we never would have wished for. I just want to be clear like this is the worst case scenario right now that is happening for me, I feel we never would have wished for this. But in a way also, how lucky are we to experience this grief because we loved so hard, and so this is something that is so unexpected for me, and I share this because perhaps it might be helpful to someone, someone who is listening to this, who is struggling through a difficult time, of whatever kind, to see the hope, to see the love, the power, the courage, the potential that might be there even in the darkest of days.

Speaker 1: 15:03

Earlier this year, I had written my 2024 goals and and I had on that list to heal my relationship with my mother I also had on that list to spend maybe two months or so out of the year in close proximity to my siblings and my parents, because I live in California, they live in New York, they live in New York. I had initially envisioned this manifestation as being oh, one day in the future I'll have the financial abundance and schedule flexibility to split my time with Zach. We would split our time there, and it is so wild to see how the universe delivered. It's not how I expected, it's not how I would have wanted, but I have come to terms with accepting that. This is the reality that I have been dealt with and that acceptance has also just been so healing for me. I accept the terms by which these gifts have been given. I'm here, I'm in New York City spending more time with my family, I'm hugged by community, which is the other thing that I've been calling out for, and I feel more connected to my mother than ever.

Speaker 1: 16:20

My relationship with my mother healed the moment that I found out she was sick. It was like whoosh, like the years of frustration and tension, combativeness. It just cleared out. I felt like I had this new perspective and compassion for her that I never could have imagined, and this is also a gift that I want to speak to the beautiful experience of compassion. And this is something that is really surprising me. Yes, I feel pain, yes, I feel so much grief, but I also feel so much compassion. I feel so much compassion for my mother.

Speaker 1: 16:57

I oftentimes cry thinking about how much she feel to be in this situation, both physically and emotionally, and I think it's this, this openheartedness, that has healed our tension, a tension that, at least I've heard, is very common between mothers and daughters. And it's also this openheartedness that I feel has opened me up to a sense of connection like this deeper connection to all other humans who suffer at the loss of, or potential loss of, a parent, sister, brother, spouse, loved one. It has made me appreciate my family so much more and it is just such a gift Like it is a painful gift, but it's also a gift which is just so wild to be saying. And I want to tie this back to spirit weavers briefly, um, because spirit weavers kind of occurred at the start of this whole process. I arrived there the day that I found out my mom had a tumor. At the time I was, we didn't know that it would be cancer. I was still really hopeful, but I was starting to have a lot like this moment of like a lot of reflection, kind of knowing this coming into it.

Speaker 1: 18:11

And for those who don't know, spirit Weavers is a women's gathering. It is held annually in Oregon. It's a back to the land gathering and it's a gathering that holds workshops on everything from beekeeping to spiritual topics, with the mission of really connecting women to share that intergenerational wisdom, knowledge and to build community and Spirit Weavers. I feel like it was the perfect place for me to start to walk through the door into this new season of my life now. The gathering. It welcomes women of all ages mothers with infants, teens, elders. I witnessed so many mothers and daughters there and so many women just connecting in an open-hearted way. It was like this experience of women seeing each other not through a lens of competition or threat, but openheartedness Again, just like this experience of women coming together in a non-threatening way, in a way that felt like community and connection.

Speaker 1: 19:22

That felt like it was an experience of one woman accepting another. It was just so beautiful. I don't know what it is about this environment, but it showed up in many different ways, like one example would be that there would be times where women could volunteer to help mothers with infants to care for their babies, so that way a mama could go take a shower. Or there would be actions such as welcoming the elder women earlier into the line for food in order to, you know, support them in getting food first and giving them that kind of support and help and reverence, really, in a way, and these were actions that were just small examples of how women express support and care for each other. Truly, it was just really wild to witness and feel the experience of women communing with each other in a way that wasn't filled with judgment which I just don't feel we see in our day-to-day lives, like if you just think about your Instagram feed. Instagram is designed to make us compare each other, compare ourselves to somebody else, and you know we're constantly just judging ourselves and measuring ourselves up against other women. I think it's just so culturally baked and I felt like a lot of that went away at this event.

Speaker 1: 20:50

And a prime example of this experience was, at the end of the event, all the women who wanted to could participate in something called an angel wash, and I would describe it as an experience of kind of women. We all kind of learned this song that we sang out loud. That was a song of verbal affirmation of accepting and loving the child, the human in front of of you, and women would kind of walk through what felt like a row, like a tunnel row of women kind of singing these lyrics to each other and, one by one, women would walk through there and they would feel and be able to receive those verbal affirmations and in some cases, also some physical touch if they wished for it. Non-sexual, physical, physical touch, such as a touch on the head or shoulder to express unconditional love, to give them that unconditional love. Each woman could kind of go through that and the experience of the angel wash was really, really profound, mean, I definitely broke down crying at just the act of wishing another stranger unconditional love.

Speaker 1: 22:02

And I found myself crying walking through the group, and I definitely was not the only one. Most, if not all, of the women who walked through the angel wash were in tears and it just really made me reflect on why is it that we as women ostracize ourselves and other women the way we do? Why do we judge ourselves and judge each other so harshly and can we cultivate more compassion day to day in our lives? And I made a pledge to really do my best to show up in this open-hearted and compassionate way, regardless of the judgment, the look that I might be getting from another. And as I walked through that angel wash, my mother's face came to me and I wished for two things One I wished, and still hope, that she might come with me to this event next year. And I also wish that that feeling of self-acceptance and love, that feeling of knowing she is so worthy, so beautiful, just as she is, and knowing that she deserves and truly deserves that unconditional love. I just wish that she know this and feel this truly deeply in her heart and in her bones. And, as I'm standing here by her side in these next crucial weeks as we plan out and start treatment, I just my greatest hope is that she feel and know this with all of her heart. And, for those of you listening to this episode, I hope you feel and know this for yourself as well. I hope you can give yourself that and, if you've made it this far, thank you so much for listening. I hope you have found something that supports you in this episode.

Speaker 1: 23:58

The other way is going on our already scheduled and planned, but also perfectly timed season break. I plan to be back in September covering topics on spirituality, feminine spirituality, feminine health, where you have a lineup of incredible leaders. Covering really the intersection. I have a focus that I'd like to cover intersecting Zen, philosophy and Buddhism in the modern world, like how do you, you know, balance both desire with acceptance or ambition, and topics like that, although we'll see how my current experience shifts and then, of course, covering all things around feminine wisdom. My current experience shifts. And then, of course, covering all things around feminine wisdom, feminine energy, which is a core theme here and feminine health. But for now I'm leaning into this unexpected new season of my life. I'm sending you lots of love.

Speaker 1: 24:50

Feel free to reach out to me via email. I probably won't be as active on social I really haven't been but, um, if you want, you can contact me that way. In the meantime, if you want to connect, kasia at inflow plannercom and I will see you in the fall. Thank you so much for being part of this community and for being a listener. See you soon. Thank you so much for tuning into the Other Way. If you enjoyed this episode, please leave a five-star review. It really helps the podcast grow and I'm ever so grateful. If you want to stay connected, you can find information on how in our show notes. And finally, if you're curious about inflow and want free resources around cyclical living or moon cycles, check out inflowplannercom. And, of course, for all my listeners, you can use the code podcast10, and that's all, lowercase podcast10, for 10% off any purchase. All right, that's all for today. See you next time.